I will NOT be a victim.

So, I've decided to start keeping track of what's going on with me, symptom-wise (as I'm sure you've noticed lately), periodically because I just plain forget later, and it's alwayschanging! I am determined to be my own best advocate now more than ever. I WILL BE HEARD.

I've had to use my cane a lot. My left knee kept getting that stabing, hot poker pain on & off, and then I begand getting what felt like shorter shin splints in the 2" right below my right knee, and so much so that I could not bare any weight on that leg, even in just standing still. I seem to be doing better with both knees yesterday & today though although they still hurt.

My eyes are killing me. The pain just keeps increasing. My orbs HURT. It especially hurts to move my eyes so I find myself turning my head instead so that I do not have to move my eyes,.. There is a constant aching pressure, and I am squinting a LOT. Light bothers me. I have turned my PC screen waaaay down to a suttle grey. The tiny font in most books? Forget that, I have to focus too hard now. Thank goodness, our textbooks are a larger font that I can still manage to do school with my kids! I am constantly rubbing my eyes... if I gently hold my hands over my eyes or gently rub it seems to relieve the pressure for a few seconds,.. but of course then I see spots afterward,... sort of like after a camera flashes. You can see, but there are these floating, dark, but transparent 'spots'. My eyes are my BIGGEST COMPLAINT today. They hurt SO bad.

I still have a dull headache. This has been constant for weeks, if not probably months now. It's the dull kind that is tolerable pain for the most part. I'm almost getting used to it being the norm now because it's always there. It gets stronger at times & sometimes I take something for it, but nothing ever really seems to help so I tend to not bother most of the time.

The pain & hypersensitivity in my left ear is continuing to increase again. I have not missed this, and am not looking forward to it causing me more grief. It has not built back up to the magnitude that it had a year and a half ago, and I truly pray it does not do so again, but it feels lke it may very well be headed back in that direction.

My hips keep locking up on me, or at least it feels that way. I can only be on my feet for about 10 minutes before I start getting sharp pains in them {my hips},.. like sciatic pain, plus a bone on bone feeling whenever I take a step. It has sent me into tears. Going to the grocery store and being on my feet for 30-45 minutes walking slowly..... I hurt so bad, and by the time I am ready to get into the car, I can barely move. I cannot lift my legs to get them into the car..... I literally have to lift them one at a time with my hands. Then, it's a struggle to get back out of the car once I get home. I have to immediately go lay down, and rely on the kids to unload the groceries. Thank goodness they've always enjoyed helping with that prior to me going so down hill again.

I have been getting shooting pains down my legs and "hot spots" in my legs, hips, fanny, back and arms. When I say "hot spots" I mean I suddenly get a very, very warm sensation in an isolated place, like a single nerve, or cluster of nerves.

The rib pain is still there, on both sides, just a few inches below my underarms, and I've been having muskuloskeletal pain on the left side of my sternum. I hate that feeling.

The fronts of my ankles, the very front and going up about 2-3" from the tops of my feet, is VERY tender. It hurts if anything touches them other than the covers, or my socks. My shoes hurt my ankles. They fit, my feet & ankles just hurt, and wearing shoes makes it worse. They are not visibly swollen,.. they just HURT. I don't put my shoes on unless I have to leave the house and I take them off as soon as I get back. My feet & ankles hurt enough barefoot. I have been very tempted to just wear my flip flops some more except that with the change in weather and as bad I get if I get cold, I can't afford to make things worse.

Still having the insomnia issue,... not being able to fall asleep until between midnight & 2:00 AM, but actually waking okay in the mornings. Not as early as I would like, but I'm not having to struggle & fight so that's a refreshing positive for a change.

I have calls in, and an email, to an LLMD clinic in Seattle. I am on the edge of my seat waiting for them to contact me back saying they can see me soon........ PLEASE! I have friends & family up there I can stay with,.. already have an offer from one, and I haven't seen her in WAY TOO LONG so I am SO READY to take her up on it!

I know treatment will be long. I know treatment will likely make me worse before I get better..... but I am getting worse anyway. I have got to get better! I want my life back......

I am just fighting right now to get it together enough for our family's Christmas trip to Disneyland in Dec......... I. WILL. GO. I don't care what I have to do,.. I'm going with them. I will NOT be the reason we cannot go. I will NOT take that from my children.

I will NOT be a victim.