Sunday, January 28, 2007
Upside Down...
Well, what can I say,... My life is going through a lot of changes right now, and I've had to make some difficult decisions. Scott & I have been married for just shy of 15 years, but we are currently separated. We're selling our house, and I'm going to be moving into an apartment with our three daughters. It's time for me to start yet another chapter in my life..... A life without abuse. Unfortunately, there has been an unresolved rage problem throughout most of our marriage, and it just seems that the more stress enters our lives, the harder it gets for him to control it, and so I've had to make a most difficult decison in leaving. What else can you do when the one who's supposed to love you the most is the one who hurts you the most? It leaves you asking yourself the question: "Friend? Or Foe?" There's no way for me to know what the road ahead holds for us, whether things will work out for our relationship in the end or not, but it's time for me to break the cycle I'm in, and experience a life without fear. This has not been an easy decision to make, and it only makes it harder when I have so many people who do not support me in this,.. who are quick to form opinions without knowing the depths of the history behind this decision, but I'm thankful for the few who are here for me. I know most people mean well, and just want us to find a way to work things out, but right now I need some time to put myself back together, and you just can't do that when everytime you start to pick the pieces up off the floor, they're kicked right back out of your hands, you know? More to come...
Tuesday, January 16, 2007
ZooLights
These are from a couple of weeks ago, on Dec. 28th, when I took the girls to ZooLights. Thought I might start sharing some pics on here also,... Enjoy.
Monday, January 15, 2007
In Her Shoes...
So, today was a better day. I awoke in almost no pain, with a wide range of mobility, and got a lot accomplished.
Tonight, I just want to say,... that I am amazed at how quickly children grow. Where does the time go?? One day, you're holding them in your arms for the first time, next thing you know, they're toddling all over and you can barely keep up, and before you know it, you're accidentally putting on THEIR shoes! Yes,... I slipped on what I thought were my tennis shoes to take the garbage and recycle cans down to the street, when I realized, they weren't mine,..... They were Courtney's.
It seems so surreal,... I remember when she was 3 and one of her favorite things to do was slip her little feet into my shoes,... and now tonight, a short 7 years later,............ I just slipped mine into her's.
And anyone who knows me well,...... knows that tears were shed.
Tonight, I just want to say,... that I am amazed at how quickly children grow. Where does the time go?? One day, you're holding them in your arms for the first time, next thing you know, they're toddling all over and you can barely keep up, and before you know it, you're accidentally putting on THEIR shoes! Yes,... I slipped on what I thought were my tennis shoes to take the garbage and recycle cans down to the street, when I realized, they weren't mine,..... They were Courtney's.
It seems so surreal,... I remember when she was 3 and one of her favorite things to do was slip her little feet into my shoes,... and now tonight, a short 7 years later,............ I just slipped mine into her's.
And anyone who knows me well,...... knows that tears were shed.
Sunday, January 14, 2007
I can't 'dance' today...
Well, this weekend was a doozey.
I spent all day yesterday trying to move as little as possible because I had such an exasperating pinch in my left shoulder blade that if I did move, it felt as though I were being stabbed. Not exactly pleasant. The girls tried to rub it out for me,.. it's worked other times, but this time the pain fought back, and actually got worse afterward. It got so bad that I couldn't even get up off the floor for awhile (one of those "I've fallen and I can't get up" moments, but without the fall), and every time that I tried it was as though someone were twisting the blade. Now, I'm a sensitive person, but I'm no wussy when it comes to being hurt or sick, and I have a decent amount of tolerance to pain,... I usually push through it and try to keep going. I have responsibilties to tend to, my children have needs,.. too many things that won't get done if I don't do them. Many of you know this 'dance',.. if you're a mom, you know the steps by heart. So anyway, if I'm down you know it's pretty bad.
Last night, the pain had intensified so bad that I didn't even have to move for the pain to literally take my breath away. I was having muscle spasms like you wouldn't believe,... if I coughed it felt like I was going to puncture a lung. The spasms grew so great that it felt as though I had weights on me, keeping my lungs from expanding... It hurt to breathe. It grew to a point where I was crying out quite a bit, and after awhile,.. just plain crying. This was very difficult for the girls,... seeing me in so much pain. I felt so bad for them, but it was so hard for me to hold it in.
I remembered I had a muscle relaxer left over from last summer, along with some prescription IB and vicodin so I took one each of the first two, and two of the latter before going to bed, and after about 15-20 minutes they kicked in, and that was all she wrote,.. thank goodness!
I awoke feeling much better, but gradually throughout the day as I was mobile, tending to things that needed to be done, the pains came back. Not nearly as intense, but this time centered between both my shoulder blades and actually running up my neck to the base of my skull. It's still the kind of uncomfortable pain that just wipes you out. It's exhausting. Not to mention that the rest of your muscles continue to grow tense from tha fatigue, too, which only causes the pain to spread and intensify. At least it never reached the levels that it did last night.
To add to my fun-filled weekend, a water pipe decided to burst this afternoon. Let me tell you,.. that just made my day. We were only without water for about an hour and a half,.. It burst at a connector outside by the back door so it ended up being an easy fix, thank goodness, but for crying out loud,.... did it have to happen today??
As far as my back goes,.. I ended up soaking in the hot tub this evening for about 45 minutes,... it helped, but I am still pretty tense. I played a game of LIFE with Courtney, and then the girls & I all had some tea before bed. I'm having one more cup, and thought I'd post about my ordeal,... As I've said before, this is a bit of a release for me and whether anybody even reads this or not, sometimes it just helps to put stuff 'out there'.
Well, here's hoping that tomorrow is a better day because after not getting anything accomplished all weekend,.. the 'dance' is really calling my name.
I spent all day yesterday trying to move as little as possible because I had such an exasperating pinch in my left shoulder blade that if I did move, it felt as though I were being stabbed. Not exactly pleasant. The girls tried to rub it out for me,.. it's worked other times, but this time the pain fought back, and actually got worse afterward. It got so bad that I couldn't even get up off the floor for awhile (one of those "I've fallen and I can't get up" moments, but without the fall), and every time that I tried it was as though someone were twisting the blade. Now, I'm a sensitive person, but I'm no wussy when it comes to being hurt or sick, and I have a decent amount of tolerance to pain,... I usually push through it and try to keep going. I have responsibilties to tend to, my children have needs,.. too many things that won't get done if I don't do them. Many of you know this 'dance',.. if you're a mom, you know the steps by heart. So anyway, if I'm down you know it's pretty bad.
Last night, the pain had intensified so bad that I didn't even have to move for the pain to literally take my breath away. I was having muscle spasms like you wouldn't believe,... if I coughed it felt like I was going to puncture a lung. The spasms grew so great that it felt as though I had weights on me, keeping my lungs from expanding... It hurt to breathe. It grew to a point where I was crying out quite a bit, and after awhile,.. just plain crying. This was very difficult for the girls,... seeing me in so much pain. I felt so bad for them, but it was so hard for me to hold it in.
I remembered I had a muscle relaxer left over from last summer, along with some prescription IB and vicodin so I took one each of the first two, and two of the latter before going to bed, and after about 15-20 minutes they kicked in, and that was all she wrote,.. thank goodness!
I awoke feeling much better, but gradually throughout the day as I was mobile, tending to things that needed to be done, the pains came back. Not nearly as intense, but this time centered between both my shoulder blades and actually running up my neck to the base of my skull. It's still the kind of uncomfortable pain that just wipes you out. It's exhausting. Not to mention that the rest of your muscles continue to grow tense from tha fatigue, too, which only causes the pain to spread and intensify. At least it never reached the levels that it did last night.
To add to my fun-filled weekend, a water pipe decided to burst this afternoon. Let me tell you,.. that just made my day. We were only without water for about an hour and a half,.. It burst at a connector outside by the back door so it ended up being an easy fix, thank goodness, but for crying out loud,.... did it have to happen today??
As far as my back goes,.. I ended up soaking in the hot tub this evening for about 45 minutes,... it helped, but I am still pretty tense. I played a game of LIFE with Courtney, and then the girls & I all had some tea before bed. I'm having one more cup, and thought I'd post about my ordeal,... As I've said before, this is a bit of a release for me and whether anybody even reads this or not, sometimes it just helps to put stuff 'out there'.
Well, here's hoping that tomorrow is a better day because after not getting anything accomplished all weekend,.. the 'dance' is really calling my name.
Thursday, January 11, 2007
A New Year, A New Day...
It's been awhile since I've been on blogger,... and for those who were keeping up with it, I'm sorry that I fell off for so long. Life has seemed to come at me faster & harder than ever, and I've found it difficult to keep up at times. However, I do intend to find new and better ways of dealing with and managing everything. Where there's a will, there's a way, right??
A friend of mine just recently began blogging, and it sort of reminded me that, hey,.. I have one of those! It also reminded me how I have missed talking out my thoughts and feelings on my board. It really is a positive 'release' for me. So,... 6 months later, here I am sitting in front of my keyboard again,... blogging.
I have gotten into the big rage called, MySpace, and it is a fun escape for me to meet up with friends old and new. It, too, has a blog feature, but it's not the kind that I necessarily want to post my day-to-day jargon on. I post on it, but it's random and quirky. Here, is where I feel more serious. Here, is where I feel I can lay out my mind's inner workings. Here, it's more journaling than 'mixing it up',.. savvy?
So, to bring you up to speed, I am no longer working at our shop. That was short-lived. I loved being there, but it became too much real quick. The long hours away from home, the commute, and the constant interruptions just ended up putting an incredible amount of strain on both myself and more importantly, the kids. So, I am working from my home office again. I'm still putting in the long hours, but at least now the kids don't have to suffer them along with me.
I had been having trouble with some things through the year and then in early September, I ended up with a really bad infection. I was told that within 24-48 hours it could have become life-threatening. The infection was traveling toward my heart. I had an out-patient surgical procedure and then for a couple of weeks, I was pumped full of heavy antibiotics, strong pain relievers and muscle relaxers so I only really remember bits & pieces, but it was not a fun experience.
My medical emergency started off our school year a couple of weeks late. The girls are doing very well in their lessons. This is our 6th year homeschooling, and yes, I count clear back to preschool. Courtney is in the 5th grade, Brittney is in the 3rd grade, and Ashley is in the 1st grade. Being a FT mom, teacher, and VP/Head Administrator for our business, is quite the fast paced, most times overwhelming, but ultimately rewarding job you can imagine. I work very hard to try to juggle it all, and to try to figure out that just-so schedule that will accomodate it all, but we're managing. The girls & I are pretty good at making things fun and interesting... and making up for the times when they just can't be. I'm not especially fond of those days, but I figure everybody has them. All we can do is our best, and keep moving forward.
October brought a special event for our family. We had opportunity to fulfill the dream of a Disney vacation with the kids and Scott's parents. Most of you know, that Scott's mom, Carol, has been battling ovarian cancer for several years, and that one of her biggest wishes in her time remaining was to take this trip with the kids. Well, we did it,.. we took a 10-day excursion, and spent 6 of those days at Disneyland. A dream come true.....
November,... Well, speaking of Scott's mom, her birthday was Nov. 28th, and marked her 5 years since being diagnosed with ovarian cancer. For those who don't know how 'statistics' work, 80% of women with ovarian cancer do not make it beyond the 3rd-4th year. So, that being said, I'll say again,... 5 YEARS!! An amazing milestone to reach, and although she is struggling more and more as time goes on,... time does go on, and she is still fighting hard. Who couldn't possibly be in awe of her??
The holidays over both Nov. & Dec. kept us very busy with family & friends, and I was blessed to get to see an old friend that I had not seen in more than 18 years.
December also brought wonderful news to our family. Ashley had her 10th MRI, and the results came back showing NO NEW GROWTH. We have gotten stable results for the last three consecutive scans, meaning the tumors have not significantly changed in a full year now. PRAISE GOD!!
I guess that about brings us up to current events,... 2006 seemed to go by in a flash, and here we are already in the year 2007. The new year looks very promising,.... more to come on that.
A friend of mine just recently began blogging, and it sort of reminded me that, hey,.. I have one of those! It also reminded me how I have missed talking out my thoughts and feelings on my board. It really is a positive 'release' for me. So,... 6 months later, here I am sitting in front of my keyboard again,... blogging.
I have gotten into the big rage called, MySpace, and it is a fun escape for me to meet up with friends old and new. It, too, has a blog feature, but it's not the kind that I necessarily want to post my day-to-day jargon on. I post on it, but it's random and quirky. Here, is where I feel more serious. Here, is where I feel I can lay out my mind's inner workings. Here, it's more journaling than 'mixing it up',.. savvy?
So, to bring you up to speed, I am no longer working at our shop. That was short-lived. I loved being there, but it became too much real quick. The long hours away from home, the commute, and the constant interruptions just ended up putting an incredible amount of strain on both myself and more importantly, the kids. So, I am working from my home office again. I'm still putting in the long hours, but at least now the kids don't have to suffer them along with me.
I had been having trouble with some things through the year and then in early September, I ended up with a really bad infection. I was told that within 24-48 hours it could have become life-threatening. The infection was traveling toward my heart. I had an out-patient surgical procedure and then for a couple of weeks, I was pumped full of heavy antibiotics, strong pain relievers and muscle relaxers so I only really remember bits & pieces, but it was not a fun experience.
My medical emergency started off our school year a couple of weeks late. The girls are doing very well in their lessons. This is our 6th year homeschooling, and yes, I count clear back to preschool. Courtney is in the 5th grade, Brittney is in the 3rd grade, and Ashley is in the 1st grade. Being a FT mom, teacher, and VP/Head Administrator for our business, is quite the fast paced, most times overwhelming, but ultimately rewarding job you can imagine. I work very hard to try to juggle it all, and to try to figure out that just-so schedule that will accomodate it all, but we're managing. The girls & I are pretty good at making things fun and interesting... and making up for the times when they just can't be. I'm not especially fond of those days, but I figure everybody has them. All we can do is our best, and keep moving forward.
October brought a special event for our family. We had opportunity to fulfill the dream of a Disney vacation with the kids and Scott's parents. Most of you know, that Scott's mom, Carol, has been battling ovarian cancer for several years, and that one of her biggest wishes in her time remaining was to take this trip with the kids. Well, we did it,.. we took a 10-day excursion, and spent 6 of those days at Disneyland. A dream come true.....
November,... Well, speaking of Scott's mom, her birthday was Nov. 28th, and marked her 5 years since being diagnosed with ovarian cancer. For those who don't know how 'statistics' work, 80% of women with ovarian cancer do not make it beyond the 3rd-4th year. So, that being said, I'll say again,... 5 YEARS!! An amazing milestone to reach, and although she is struggling more and more as time goes on,... time does go on, and she is still fighting hard. Who couldn't possibly be in awe of her??
The holidays over both Nov. & Dec. kept us very busy with family & friends, and I was blessed to get to see an old friend that I had not seen in more than 18 years.
December also brought wonderful news to our family. Ashley had her 10th MRI, and the results came back showing NO NEW GROWTH. We have gotten stable results for the last three consecutive scans, meaning the tumors have not significantly changed in a full year now. PRAISE GOD!!
I guess that about brings us up to current events,... 2006 seemed to go by in a flash, and here we are already in the year 2007. The new year looks very promising,.... more to come on that.
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