Silver lining on dark clouds...

Well, she's in!! Ashley's got her first appt. at Doernbecher Children's Hospital Pediatric Hematology & Oncology Clinic next Wednesday, and will be meeting with three Drs. Everyone seems to be on alert about the sensitivity of Ashley's transition and the timing which is very good, but at the same time makes the hair stand up on the back of my neck,...

I'm excited she's FINALLY getting to go up on the hill, but at the same time, I'm nervous as all get out,..... I can feel the chemotherapy verdict breathing down my neck, and am dreading having to tell her. I keep praying there will be a miraculous change so she doesn't have to go down that road, but at the same time, if that's what will help, then I will just have to be greatful there is an option to try.

Just trying to find the strength to stare this thing down in the face and scream, "Bring it on!!!", but I can't,.. I'm shaking in my boots wondering how much more one can handle,.. apparently, a lot though because I know too many others who have been through so much more. I don't know whether that's supposed to be comforting, or not,.. selfish of me I suppose, but I'm feeling such a mixture of things. It just plain sucks not to be able to make things better for your child.

And now they think Courtney may have NF as well,... she will have to undergo testing, as will we all, including Brittney. They are concerned that other things could be being missed in the other children,... in our family. Hopefully not, but in the meantime it's floating around in my head. The next biggest concern is if Courtney has scoliosis,.. it appears so because she curves so harshly. The Dr is extremely concerned and wants her in to see him right away. So, she has an appt with him on Monday.

This is the first Dr who has given me the time of day about this,.. I've been asking for years. The last Dr told me she just has poor posture, and that she's rolling her hips forward. What a crock. The new Dr was appalled to hear it, and wants to see Courtney ASAP. I swear, if she has irreversable damage at this point, I'm looking into legal grounds. Not normally something I would do, but I am just so fed up at this point with how so many Drs have ignored my concerns when it comes to my kids that if I have an opportunity to make an example of somebody I just might take it... Oh, I guess I'm just in a really foul mood over all this right now, but who wouldn't be? I am both joyful and miserable at the same time,.. as much as one can be anyway. Forgive me for being rash.

Well,... I am worn out so I'm off to lie on the sofa and read a book. Celebrate small victories with me, and please,.. be there to hold my hand when I need it. I have been strong about many things, but I feel nervous about how I may handle things that are, and/or may be, approaching. Maybe say a little prayer for me (of course my children, too!!),.. and that I don't waste time borrowing more trouble before it's here. My mind has been spinning.

Keep you posted,..

PS- I just got a call,... Scott's Dr appt went as alright as it could, but he is now being referred to a cardiologist,.. his heart doesn't sound good, and there is concern. I feel like yet another rug has just been pulled out from under me. So much for that book for distraction,.. I think I'll grab a box of kleenex instead,................. please pray, my heart is sinking fast tonight.